


I never wanted to kill, not really

by AOS100



Series: Catra Applesauce Meowmeow [3]
Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Catra (She-Ra) Needs a Hug, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attacks, i chose Catra, i wanted to project, im so sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-08
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-12 09:20:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28633155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AOS100/pseuds/AOS100
Summary: Catra is in the middle of redeeming herself by helping with the rebuilding of Salineas, but all she finds today is more proof of the hurt she caused in the past.Basically, Catra has a panic attack and Adora helps her through it so don't read if that triggers you.
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra)
Series: Catra Applesauce Meowmeow [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1790464
Comments: 6
Kudos: 69





	I never wanted to kill, not really

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! WARNING: Again, this story contains Catra having a physically intense panic attack, and the death of a person/a corpse so please don't read if that triggers you. This is my reflection of what happened when I had my very first panic attack, and what I wanted to happen, but obviously, I had to put Catra in a situation where she would have one, so I'm really sorry my baby just needs a hug OKay. Everybody has different experiences, and some panic attacks are not as intense/physically intense, but this is just how mine was sooo.... (I feel like I ramble a lot in these notes... do I?)

Catra had been having a relatively good day. She was allowed to aid in the reconstruction of Salineas, and the people there were starting to truly believe she was there to help. Most no longer yelled at her while she wandered the streets, looking for something to help with. The citizens had stopped throwing things at her altogether. However, there were always a few who still wanted justice for their lost homes and families. Those who lost more were the ones who continued to throw insults at her, and they kept reminding her that she didn’t deserve any kind of forgiveness or redemption. She caused the deaths of exactly 107 people in this one place, and she injured 39 more. Relatives and friends were lost, and yet she was still here, standing in the middle of the chaos she caused, unable to provide the same purpose and usefulness those people had undoubtedly provided to the people close to them.

She had her bad days, and though the good days were beginning to outweigh them, they were still very much present, hitting her harder some days. Today, she took a pretty hard hit. She was helping cut through the rubble of a collapsed house that had been abandoned until the family who had fled, returned. And there, lying in the midst of fallen stone, lay a small girl, clearly dead by her unseeing eyes and burnt limbs. Catra, with tears in her eyes, quickly moved the body out of sight from the grieving family, adding her to the small group of recently found bodies. 108, she counted and closed the poor girl’s eyelids, letting a few tears fall before she quickly wiped them away and promptly decided she was done for the day. The family standing by the house wouldn’t want her nearby anyway, and she knew she was close to a breakdown, she couldn’t let these people see that, she didn’t deserve any pity, considering she didn’t lose anyone. She shouldn’t be sad about a loss she caused, and yet she was. Face set in stone, she quickly made her way to the boats, where she knew she could find Seahawk to take her to Brightmoon early. She had to remain numb because if she didn’t, she knew she would collapse right there and right then. 

Unfortunately, she caught Mermista’s eye on her way to Seahawk, and her questioning raised brow let her know that the princess was going to come and ask why she was leaving early. She didn’t deserve to rest while fixing the problem she had caused, after all.

“Where are you going? It’s barely the afternoon and you haven’t done much today. You need to help clear houses still,” hands resting on her hips, Mermista pointedly reminded Catra of what needed to be done. She wasn’t particularly kind to the ex-Horde Commander, but they were acquaintances because of need, and Mermista wouldn’t let Catra forget what she did. 

“I, uh, I-,” the bile in Catra’s throat wouldn’t let her speak, and her mind was far too clouded with the image of glazed-over, dead eyes, to think clearly, let alone think of an excuse.

“Speak up, Cat, we don’t have all day. Some of us still need to work so-”

“I killed her. She- I, I need to go, pl-please just,” a sob broke out. Dammit, Catra needed to keep it together at least until she got on Seahawk’s stupid ship.

Mermista’s eyes went wide at the blunt confession, immediately thinking Catra had attacked someone, but the girl’s stiff yet vulnerable posture let her know that that was certainly not the case. Catra had seen someone that had died in the Horde invasion. Pitifully, Mermistas eyes softened, and she gave a nod, allowing Catra to leave early.

Catra sprinted towards Seahawk, and quickly boarded his ship, knowing Mermista would let him know that he was to head back to Brightmoon with some cargo. She made her way down to the cabins on the ship. She locked herself in, hoping to calm down and stop her tears before Seahawk came to make sure she was ready if he even checked in the first place.

Before she knew it, she felt the familiar rocking of the ship at sea, and she was hyperventilating. She had had several panic attacks before, caused by the overwhelming guilt of the deaths she caused piling up until it was days after her first visit at Salineas where far too many bodies were uncovered, left under houses by Horde soldiers who didn’t bother to clean up the place before turning it into their own territory. She had remained numb for days until she finally broke down in her and Adora’s room in the middle of the night. Now, it was harder and harder for her to stay numb, because the corpses no longer surprised her, they just made her upset. She had already had the time to take it all on, what she had truly done, and now she was paying the price. Horde tactics and aftermath classes had all taught her about how to eliminate the citizens of a civilian town, of course, but it didn’t really hit her that  _ she _ was the one killing those people until she got up close and personal, not just overseeing the soldier and robot movements. 

Before she knew it, the harsh movement of being out at sea had stopped, and now there was only the gentle rocking of an anchored boat. She was still hyperventilating, her breaths coming out short and aggressive, but her panic attack had the mercy of letting her be aware of her surroundings for the moment. She couldn’t stop it though, the more she tried to control herself, the more she panicked. She was locked in the room, and Seahawk probably didn’t know she was in here. Tears slipped out of her eyes, and her legs began to go numb as well. She sat down, knowing she would collapse if she didn’t. She was beginning to lose the feeling in her hands, so she reached up to the doorknob, unlocking it before she couldn’t move her hands anymore. She panicked more, no longer having the clarity to think of the small body she had carried to basically a mass grave section. 

_ Shit.  _ She couldn’t move her hands anymore, they felt basically paralyzed as each attempt to close her fist or wiggle her fingers was futile. She felt weaker every passing moment, her breaths still not coming out properly, and her legs were still numb, a tingly feeling coming over them up to her thighs. She wasn’t going to be able to get off the ship, let alone walk the way back to Brightmoon, even with help from Melog. Wait, Melog! They were likely already on their way, sensing her high emotional distress. She couldn’t bring herself to think about that though, because every attempt to reassure herself that she was going to be okay, only reminded her of the little girl that wasn’t okay. That was never going to be okay, because she had killed her, and to make things worse, she hadn’t had the decency to care for the girl’s body properly. She was left there for months, the only reason she had been recognizable was the large amounts of rubble and ash covering her and preserving her corpse for so long. She had laid for months with open eyes and a slack expression. And it was Catra’s fault. She had been right, all that time ago. Winning wasn’t fun when she was causing death and destruction all around her.

Her thoughts were cut off by a harsh knock at the door and a worried, “Catra?”  _ Adora _ . Either Mermista let Adora know something was wrong with Catra, or Melog had brought her girlfriend over to help her after they felt the heavy emotions.

The door opened at the realization that Catra was hyperventilating inside. “A-Adora,” Catra stuttered in a small voice. Her breathing was still coming in tiny breaths, and she could barely focus on her surroundings after the turmoil of images and thoughts in her head.

“Catra, you’re okay, come on, breathe with me, please. One, two, yeah that’s it,” Adora and Catra had both practiced methods of coming down from a panic attack and helping others through them, it was a process they used frequently, unfortunately. Adora knew this was a bad one, and she knew no matter what triggered it, Catra was likely going to have to tell Perfuma. 

“Adora, I c-can’t feel my hands. I can’t-” Catra broke out in sobs again. She curled further in on herself, moving sluggishly until her tail was wrapped around her legs and her head was in her stuck arms.

“Can I touch you?” came the tentative question from Adora. Catra nodded and Adora moved in to gently help Catra uncurl and hold her against her chest, breathing exaggeratingly to help steady Catra’s own breaths. They had gone over this many times with Perfuma, they had to ask before moving in to touch the person in the panicked state, because if not, one touch could make the situation worse, or they could lash out. 

“Can you tell me about something, anything, p-please?” Catra had begun to come down from her panic attack, the ache in her chest feeling more and more present from her previously labored breathing. She was feeling slightly better, but the images of the poor girl were still at the back of Catra’s mind, and she needed a distraction, if not she would go back to square one.

With her girlfriend still curled up against her, Adora began to talk about her day, knowing it was what Catra needed at the moment. “I had to go to a meeting early in the morning with Glimmer. We were discussing the cargo transports from Elberon to Erelandia now that the clones have been moved out. Glimmer suggested taking the road across Plumeria, but I reminded her that Perfuma still had her own cargo to move out, so we decided on having the crops be taken through the path that lines up around the perimeter of the Whispering Woods. And then- you won’t believe it, one of the major ambassadors screamed like a baby when Melog came in, all 6 feet tall and with their shifting mane, going ‘grrr’, you know how they get,” Catra chuckled at Adora’s shitty description of Melog, and Adora smiled. 

“Thanks, Adora. I just- I needed to think about something else for a bit,” Catra looked away, in a small moment of shame.

“Hey, it’s okay, it happens. Do you wanna talk about it,” Adora cautiously, knowing Catra would either flat out say no, or reluctantly spill.

Surprisingly, Catra asked to go to their room first, so Adora helped her get up on tired limbs and wobbly legs. Half-carrying her, Adora decided to simply pick up Catra bridal-style. Though Catra usually complained that she could walk just fine and hid in embarrassment, she let herself be coddled for a moment, letting Adora know that something was really wrong.

The only reason Catra let herself sink into Adora’s arms is that she knew she would be working extra hard for the next few weeks, making up for the little girl’s death, and trying to mentally make it better for herself, though she knew nothing she did would ever be enough to make up for what she did (she could always try though, working herself till she passed out.) 

Once Adora pushed open the door to their pastel and too-pink room in the Brightmoon castle, Catra sunk into the bed, crossing her legs and facing Adora, who mirrored her position.

A few minutes passed, a slightly comfortable silence hung between the pair until Catra finally spoke up in a slow voice, “There was another one, another person- dead, because of me,’ Catra’s voice rose slightly, but Adora knew not to interrupt, or Catra would never be able to finish, “and even worse, it was a little girl, Adora. A kid! I didn’t think when I was in the Horde,  **that** is my problem. I don’t  **think** I just do, and I  _ always  _ mess things up, I’m so  **selfish** that’s why people get hurt, that’s why- I,” Catra’s voice started to crack again, though no tears welled in her eyes, she had cried herself dry and now there was only raw anger in her voice. Anger at herself, mostly, but anger nonetheless. 

She sunk into Adora’s waiting arms when she finally settled down, “I killed her, she’s dead because of me,  **god** what is  _ wrong with me?” _

The storm of ‘why’ and ‘what if’ and ‘am I a bad person’ went on inside Catra’s head, but her body’s exhaustion took over, finally feeling safe in Adora’s arms. She knew she didn't deserve the rest or comfort, but she took it anyway, knowing she would go back to working tomorrow, back to thinking about all she’s done and whether or not she deserves the chance at redemption.

Catra now curled up asleep in her lap, Adora took the time to ponder over Catra and her thoughts, raking a hand through her girlfriend’s hair to produce a purr. She knew Catra still felt immense guilt, and it weighed her down many days. She would have to watch her closely for the next week. 

Even with her own struggles, Adora went to therapy weekly with Perfuma, and she asked for tips on how to help Catra, “The best you can do is be there for her. Catra needs to do this on her own most of the time, but there are moments when she will really need you,”  _ like now _ she thought, “But remember to also focus on yourself, Adora. Neither of you is alone in this, and Catra can also be there for you. Don’t feel like a burden, because you’re not.”

After that particular session, Adora realized she and her girlfriend still had a long way to go to reach their next happy ending point, but this time they would be able to do it together.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this, and if not I hope you find something good to read! Plz comment anything really, constructive criticism is very much appreciated... also if you couldn't tell I have no beta lol (also, should I change the rating on this? Is it too low?)


End file.
